Sunday, May 1, 2011

A Short Story done at 11

As, Kaka sat in the confounds of his living room and ate his pizza, the futbol (soccer) game commenced between Manchester United and Real Madrid. The pizza happened to be a meat lover's pizza, covered in pepperoni, sausage, bacon, and pork. Beside Kaka was a plate of tomales for whenever he got hungry. The decorations around his home were as they normally were during late April. In the meantime, his mother, a light-skinned 5'7" full figured woman named Allison, was on her way to pick up supplies for a barbaque. At the moment, Kaka's brother, Xabi is messing with the pet rabbit, Mr. Herriman. Mr. Herriman enjoys a rather odd arrangement of foods ranging from twiz bars to fried chicken. In particular, he isn't very fond of carrots. As Kaka watches the intense futbol match, his cousins Greg, Hannah, David, and Vivi divert Kaka's attention from the game. Once they caught eye of the game, the four of them joined their cousin watching the futbol game, as Real Madrid steals possession, and commences with an offense assault from Higuain, Ronaldo, and Pedro Leon.

      While this is going on, Kaka's father Juan is just getting out of work. As he returns to the outdoors on his return home, he notices that it is a splendid sunny day. The sun is glistening and the sunlight and seems only to further support Juan's naturally good mood. Remembering that he was watching the futbol game before he left work, he rushes home to catch a few remnants of the last few minutes. With Juan's return, he manages to witness a draw between the two opposing teams through a last second goal from Real Madrid's Higuain. With the game over, the time is 4:30, and guests for the barbaque are arriving in massive waves. Seeing this being an ideal time to get started with the cooking, Juan starts to grill all of the meats, while Allison crafts a fruit salad and normal salad, and puts the finishing touches on the cleaning.  Kaka manages to get Vivi, David, Hannah, Greg, and Xabi to go to the park to play futbol. Within an hour, the children all return, tired and musty. With their return, they joined the other guests after retrieving a bite to eat.

4 comments:

  1. As Kaka watches the intense futbol match, his cousins Gred, Hannah, David, and Vivi.
    ? what are they doing?
    you could describe the characters more since it seems a little confusing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jaleel, have you read this yet? I see quite a few grammar mistakes and such.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Do you mean Kaka stared into the living at his pizza while the futol game commences between Manchester United and Real Madrid. Lover's pizza, describe the pizza more then its toppings uses the other senses to describe it. Just read over your writing alot of these mistakes will be picked up when you read it out loud to yourself. You could also paste it into a word doc and spell check, thats what I do. Go into details of the game expand on anything and everything in your story. Don't just write everyhthing as face value write more into everything. Its a little short to be considered a story right now.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Isn't this a little short. I think that you can put more details into this and make it a bit more interesting.

    ReplyDelete